Below are some examples of questions/topics that are appropriate to discuss with a birth mother:

1. How are you feeling?
2. What helped you to choose adoption?
3. Is there anything in particular that led you to choose our family? Did we have similar hobbies or interests?
4. What are your some of your hobbies/interests? Favorites?
5. Would you like to know more about what we like to do? Our family?
6. Is there anything we can do to help make this process more comfortable for you?
7. Is there anything else we can tell you about us to make you more comfortable?
8. Explain how you will tell the child about her and the adoption. Ask if there is anything she wants to share for you to tell the child.
9. Reassure her about future contact such as pictures and letters.
10. Tell her how much this means to you and tell her how honored you feel that she has chosen you to become parents. Thank her.
11. Tell her about your recent vacation, family outing, typical weekends etc.
12. If she has other children or family members who are a positive in her life, ask about them.
13. If the birth father is involved, it will be important to include him and ask him questions also.


Below are some examples of questions that are not appropriate to ask a birth mother:

1. Have you been making it to all your doctor appointments?
2. Have you been checked for Sexually transmitted diseases (STD's)?
3. Do you have HIV or AIDS?
4. Do you do any drugs?
5. In-depth questions concerning medical disorders.
6. Detailed questions concerning the birth father.

Financing Your Adoption: The Adoption Tax Credit

Parents who finalized an adoption in 2007 may qualify for a maximum adoption tax credit of $11,390 for adoption expenses on their federal income tax returns. The credit begins to phase out if you have a modified adjusted gross income of $170,820 or more and is completely phased out if you have a modified adjusted gross income of $210,820 or more.

Families who have experienced a disrupted adoption (an adoption situation that did not end in a completed adoption) may also benefit from the adoption tax credit. Any family that qualifies for the adoption tax credit may also deduct qualifying adoption expenses from a disrupted adoption. However, families must wait one year before filing for the credit.

For adoptions finalized in 2008, the tax credit has risen to $11,650. The 2008 credit will begin to phase out with a modified adjusted gross income of $174,730 and will completely phase out at a modified adjusted gross income of $214,730 or more.

To learn more about the adoption tax credit, visit http://www.irs.gov/taxtopics/tc607.html.

AF PICKS: Best Memoirs

* The Waiting Child, by Cindy Champnella
* I Wish for You a Beautiful Life, Sara Dorow, ed.
* Borrowed Finery, by Paula Fox
* ITHAKA: A Daughter’s Memoir of Being Found, by Sarah Saffian
* The Kid, by Dan Savage
* In Their Own Voices, by Rita J. Simon and Rhonda M. Roorda
* An Empty Lap, by Jill Smolowe
* Love in the Driest Season, by Neely Tucker
* The Adoption Reader, Susan Wadia-Ells, ed.
* Secret Thoughts of an Adoptive Mother, by Jana Wolff

AF PICKS: Best Adoption Storybooks

* Sam’s Sister, by Juliet C. Bond; illustrated by Dawn Majewski
* How I Was Adopted, by Joanna Cole; illustrated by Maxie Chambliss
* Tell Me Again About the Night I Was Born, by Jamie Lee Curtis; illustrated by Laura Cornell
* You’re Not My Real Mother!, by Molly Friedrich; illustrated by Christy Hale
* We Adopted You, Benjamin Koo, by Linda Walvoord Girard; illustrated by Linda Shute
* A Mother for Choco, by Keiko Kasza
* Over the Moon, by Karen Katz
* The Day We Met You, by Phoebe Koehler
* I Love You Like Crazy Cakes, by Rose Lewis; illustrated by Jane Dyer
* Families Are Different, by Nina Pellegrini

Waiting for a Match - Why There is no Crystal Ball

The adoption process is a very personal one for waiting families. First, they must provide financial, medical and other personal information during the home study process, then they share a snapshot of their personal lives in their family profile. It is perfectly normal for waiting families to experience anxiety about having their lives be such an "open book."

Once a family is active with an agency and their family profile is being shown to expectant mothers, it is also common to experience some anxiety about what impression those birth parents are getting of the family. Many waiting families worry that perhaps they aren't attractive enough - that they must look like Tom Cruise or Nicole Kidman to adopt a child, or that they don't appear "fun" enough in their photographs. However, this is untrue.

Birth parents choose adoptive families for many reasons. To some birth parents, it is important that their child grow up in a specific region or state because they envision their child spending their days at the beach, or running through a field in the Midwest. Other birth parents want their child to be brought up in a specific religion and will therefore only consider families that are of that religion, while others want their child to grow up in a household with other children - or to be an only child. Just as each adoption story is unique, so are the wants and desires of the birth parents - making it impossible to gauge what, exactly, birth parents look for in an adoptive family, or why they choose or don't choose a specific couple.

There are however, some steps families can take to increase their chances of being selected. Families who are very narrow in their preferences (such as only willing to accept a Caucasian child or will only accept a child that has not been exposed to any drugs or alcohol in utero) may experience a longer wait as their profile can only be shown to a narrow group of expectant mothers. However, families that are willing to accept a bi-racial baby, or who are open to other social histories, will be exposed to a larger group of expectant mothers, therefore increasing their exposure greatly. Currently at American Adoptions, families who are willing to adopt a bi-racial child that is of any race and African American experience the lowest waiting times, as there is a great need for families to adopt these children.